Keeping It Together
by Katelai
Summary: Shortly after Kaidan has joined the Normandy, Commander Shepard is forced to deal with the loss of friends, as well as her residual feelings for Kaidan. She's completely unsure of how he feels about her and is mildly resentful of him for his distance and remarks. This is a short one-shot of how Shepard privately deals with her emotions at the loss of Mordin and Thane.


**A/N - Repost from AO3 9-2016.**

The shower was turned to almost full hot. Jane Shepard thought that if she set her skin on fire, maybe the pain would hurt less and some of it would wash off. It had taken everything she had to hold it together over the last two days, and the second she stepped into that bathroom she crumbled.

Had she really just lost Mordin and Thane and the last two days? She could hardly believe it had happened, both of them sacrificing their lives for the greater good. Mordin must have known when he first stepped foot on Tuchanka that he probably wasn't going to survive the mission, and yet he still went through with it. So calm, so composed, so accepting.

_No. No other option. Not coming back. Suggest you get clear, explosion likely to be… problematic._

Shepard could hear his words echoing through her head.

_Need to do this. My project, my work, my cure, my responsibility. Would have liked to run tests on the seashells._

All she could say at the time was, 'I'm sorry.' When she had walked out of that facility, so many better things to say had popped into her head. She wished she had really told him how she felt about him. How she had loved him like family and how the universe was less for him being gone.

_Had to be me. Someone else might have gotten it wrong._

Those last words would echo in her head for the rest of her life.

"Mordin, I'm so sorry," she cried, allowing the spray of the shower to soak her hair and face. The sound of the spraying water mostly covered her shuddering sobs. There had to have been some way to save him. Something she could have done to protect him. She felt like she had failed him.

And then there was Thane. She'd kill Kai'Leng slowly for robbing Thane of what little time he had left.

Hearing Thane's last wish from Kolyat was like a punch in the gut.

_Kalahira, this one's heart is pure,_

_but beset by wickedness and contention._

_Guide this one to where the traveler never tires,_

_the lover never leaves, the hungry never starve._

_Guide this one, Kalahira,_

_and she will be a companion to you as she was to me._

Shepard rubbed her hands across her face harshly. She tried to control her tears as the water continued to fall.

The image of her handgun flashed into her mind. It was held in her hand and she could see a finger moving towards the trigger. It was pointed at Kaidan, and he had his own weapon aimed at her. Shepard felt a sharp pain in her gut and gasped, causing hot water to pour into her mouth.

How the hell did they get there? At that moment, she had felt like their lives were hanging on a thin wire. If the air had moved in another direction, one of them could be dead right now. The entire experience had terrified her and she hoped to never be put in that situation again.

She didn't think she could ever pull the trigger on Kaidan. She had loved him deeply once and was sure she still had strong feelings. He may have been over her, but she sure as hell wasn't over him. Even if it wasn't romantic love in the end, it was still love.

Kaidan's words from their conversation earlier in the observation lounge still stung, making her feel another punch in the gut. Those gut punches felt never-ending.

_I don't know how you do it, Shepard, keeping it together like you do. Earth is always in the back of my mind, haunting me._

She figured that maybe they had been apart for too long, and he had forgotten what was in her heart. Or maybe he still thought she was just some machine created by Cerberus, made to look and talk like Jane Shepard, but not the same woman in heart and soul. Regardless, it still hurt like hell when he said that. She could tell he was barely holding it together himself and had to beat it out of that lounge like hell on wheels before she gave him a piece of her mind. Or crumbled to the floor.

Shepard felt like a bit of a fool for thinking maybe they could finally pick up where they left off on the SR-1. She decided that wasn't important now. Losing Mordin and Thane had a way of putting things into perspective.

She gave herself a few more minutes to focus on her breathing before finishing up her ablutions. As soon as she turned the water off, she heard a knock at her cabin door.

"Uh, Commander? It's Kaidan," a muffled voice filtered through.

Stepping out of the bathroom in a towel, Shepard paused and tried to decide if she was willing to talk to anyone tonight. She sighed. She was feeling resentful of him, and so weary. She wasn't feeling very much like a leader and didn't want anyone to see her show weakness. She had no energy for the facade she often wore. If she and Kaidan were done, she especially didn't want him to see her crumbling. The last thing she wanted from him was pity. Couldn't she just have one night to herself?

"Give me a minute," she shouted, not so nicely, and pulled on some clothing. Hastily she brushed through her wet hair and inhaled deeply before letting her breath out in a large gusty sigh. She resolved to send him away as quickly as she could.

Clad in black cotton shorts and a black N7 tee shirt, she greeted Kaidan at the door. She hadn't remembered to look in the mirror and wondered if her eyes were as puffy as they felt. She crossed her arms over her chest.

"Kaidan," Shepard said tiredly.

"Shepard, I'm sorry to barge in on you like this. Is it ok if I come in?" Kaidan asked, concern clear in his voice.

"I've had a rough few days, and I'm not really feeling very friendly," she told him, unsure if she could handle more of his 'how can you be so cold' remarks. Or muster up the energy to bolster his ego. Or give him whatever the hell he wanted from her.

Kaidan stepped through the threshold anyway, and Shepard stood to the side as the door wooshed closed behind him. She re-crossed her arms across her chest and hoped he'd leave soon so she could lay in bed and wallow in privacy. She tried to quell the sudden burn of anger at his insistence and felt her heart rate rise sharply.

"I realized I wasn't very…" he began, pacing a bit in front of her. He looked down at Shepard's bare feet. "I know you've had a rough time lately, I heard about Mordin and Thane. After that, I realized what I said was insensitive. I'm sorry. I have a habit of doing that to you, saying things before I think… and I'm sorry."

At the mention of her friends' names, Shepard also looked down at her feet. She felt like she was standing on extremely thin ice and it was starting to crack.

"Kaidan," she ground out. "I think I know how you feel about me. You being on the Normandy, it's fine, we need you in the fight. But you don't have to do this."

She raised her head to look him in the eye. "If you're here to just to satisfy your ego, it is _really _not a good time." She ground out those last few words. She had to look down and blink rapidly. Her hands began to shake. She balled them into fits and hid them under her crossed arms.

"Shepard," he said softly, stepping towards her. Shepard instinctively curled her toes in as his boots got closer. She didn't raise her head but could feel him moving in.

"I'm not cold. I feel things. I hold it in for my crew. I stay strong for them. I keep it together for them. I told you that… There was a time when I thought you knew me."

He put his hands on her arms and squeezed. He was standing so close. Shepard rested her face on his shoulder and started draw in a few deep breaths. She was trying so hard to hold back the tears, but the traitorous things leaked down her cheeks anyway. She didn't want him to see her cry.

"I'm sorry," Kaidan whispered, angling his face to kiss the side of her still wet head. "I was so scared, and angry, and anxious. We were pointing guns at each other. I thought about how close I was to shooting you. It terrified me. If I harmed you, I'd never be able to live with myself."

There was desperation in his voice. And sincerity. Shepard kept her head down, still afraid to show her face. She didn't want to show weakness. This was the same Kaidan she knew two years ago, but she still wasn't sure how he felt about her. She wasn't sure if this was pity.

"I'm sorry about Mordin and Thane. I spoke to Thane in Huerta, he really loved you, like family, maybe more. I'm sorry I didn't get to know Mordin better. What he did for the Krogan… not many would have been able to do that."

Shepard started to cry in earnest now, and Kaidan wrapped his arms around her. He rocked her a bit and rubbed her back. He kissed the side of her head again, and as her breathing started to return to normal, he pulled back and guided her face up with a thumb under her chin. He wiped the tears from the cheeks with the edge of one finger. Their eyes met.

"I'm sorry," he said again in earnest. "I wasn't sure if the woman I loved was still in there. I'm sorry for doubting you. I feel like an idiot for doubting you."

He rested his forehead against hers. "I love you, Jane Shepard. Always have. Always will. I never wanted to hurt you."

"Kaidan," Jane cried, squeezing her eyes closed and trying to control a fresh round of sobs.

"Shhh," he calmed her, rubbing her arms. "C'mere."

He walked her to the edge of her bed, with one hand on her arm. She sat, and then he lowered himself next to her and placed an arm around her.

"Every death. Every loss. It hits me like a ton of bricks," Shepard told him, leaning into his embrace. Her voice was hoarse. "I've dealt with it alone for as long as I can remember. As a leader, I've always held myself apart from my crew."

"It must take a toll. I can be there for you now. You don't have to be alone," Kaidan told her, taking her hand. "If you'll have me."

She nodded, squeezed his hand, and rested her cheek on his shoulder. She breathed in his scent of laundry detergent and spice and closed her eyes. "Stay with me tonight," she said quietly, eyes closed, still a little afraid of being rejected.

"Okay," he responded quietly. He wrapped his arms around her, rested his face in her damp hair, and breathed deeply.

Eventually, Kaidan tucked Shepard into her side of the bed. She was half asleep and didn't resist much. He sat next to her to remove his boots. Satisfied, he stood. She watched him quietly with one eye, the other was buried in her pillow.

"You mind if I take these off?" he asked her, pointing towards his fatigues.

"Whatever's comfortable," Shepard told him sleepily. She was hugging her blanket to her chest, like a child holds onto a favorite stuffed toy. Kaidan stripped down to his boxer briefs and undershirt and climbed in on the opposite side of the bed.

As if it was a rehearsed dance, Shepard rolled around and rested her head on his chest while Kaidan's arms snaked around her. He held her tightly and kissed the crown of her head.

"Will you tell me about them?" he asked her quietly. She cried into his arms that night as she told him about her friends and how she loved them. Once her tears had dried up, they both slept soundly, better than either had slept in months.


End file.
